Everything is turning into a blur right about now…

I wish I was able to word thing better. Have much in my head right now . I need to vent out b4 my heart & mind explode. But. its feelings & heartbreak, sadness & some alcohol that is doing the talking right now. It all just dispenses as tears & anxious breaths..

How can I eloquently express how lost & numb I feel? How I feel like girl who is the runner-up? How I put my all & damn everything but it still wasnt enough, still wasn’t better than another girl’s love even tho I actually stayed devoted entire time. I wouldve never left, would’ve never chose another lifestyle over the person I love. I would’ve appreciated the one I had While I had him, not just after…& yet my love still wasnt enough in the end….

I’ll be okay. Will wake tomorrow & regret this post & thoughts, decisions tonight. but 4 now I’m raw, vulnerable, heartbroken,very confused how my everything, my devotion, my all..still didnt stack up. I’ll be okay.. I’ll eventually see sun again but I know this experience will 4ever leave behind unanswered questions & a permanent scar…

1 day at a time Deborah…

I’m sorry…Thank You…and Goodbye

I hope one day you realize how much you meant to me & truly changed my life. You came into my life at a time when I was sooo depressed & down & you showed me how it feels to have someone by your side thru all the turmoil of life. Your positivity is something I’ll keep with me for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I wish we wouldn’t have caught feelings for each other. Believe it or not, my most fondest memories of us were before we started saying we loved each other. When I was lonely at college, you’d text me from your job & we’d talk thru the entire day talking about each others heartbreaks & life. One time you even made me laugh in class out loud after reading one of your texts, haha. & another time you were climbing at work & I told you be careful; you asked why. I said because I care about you. You replied, “aw you care about me?” Then I said yes, & you said you cared about me too.. That’s the first time I think I realized I was in love with you. See: even tho my memory isn’t the best, I still remember things about us..

I have to let go now, but I will try not to do it out of anger.

I will do it gracefully. They say real love you should set free so the one you love can be happy. That’s what I plan to do with you..I went on your blog today & saw hers after trying to find the source of a beautiful quote you had reblogged from her. I should have just clicked “back” but I couldn’t help myself from looking & reading some of the posts on there. By what she posts, I can tell how much you both still love each other. I hope you & she can find a way to make it work this time around. & I say that with hurt, Yes. But I also mean that sincerely. I remember how much your heart was hurt when we started talking.They say God brings people in your life & brings them Backkk sometimes for an even better reason… Maybe that’s what happened with you & her.

It just sucks that it happened when you & I were seemingly falling deeper in love; I feel like I’m the one at loss.. I would’ve Never left you if we were together; I would’ve always stuck by your side, but, I gotta remind myself that things Do happen for a reason even if we don’t understand at the time. It just hurts that even tho you said there was no other girl like me,There was. I actually was your second choice afterall :/. but.. Maybe you & I were meant to help each other temporarily for these 3 years until she was meant to come back in your life. Maybe I was just your temporary happiness until you got back the one who truly made you happy. Have I fully accepted that yet? No. Does it hurt? Yes. But I will no longer love selfishly nor lavish in anger about it..

I am sorry I have to cut ties from facebook & instagram again but please realize that it is the only way I can move on without hitting rock bottom & hurting sooooo bad everyday. It’s better for you too so you can have time to focus on what may happen with you & her, & focus on your son & whatever else life has set for you… I wish you loved me the way I love you & the way you love her…but it’s life. It’ll be okay.

I still love you. As a friend. As someone I’m in love with. As my “twin” haha. As someone I will always admire. Thanks for everything. Even though I’m hurt, I’m also grateful for the time you were in my life & for the bond we had. Thanks for the friendship. Thanks for helping me smile & for the encouragement. Thanks for the positivity.Thanks for coming into my life 3 years ago & for coming back once again last October. I will love again, but never will I ever love another guy the way I love you. I hope years from now you can look back on our bond & remember me..Whether or not things work out between her and you, & whatever life brings you next, I truly wish you well. I will always remember & cherish our 3 year story. 

Take care <3

I want my legs back. I want them to stop running towards what was lost to the other side of the river. Towards the ones who didn’t want to dance at my party and didn’t want my art or my shaking feet. They all told to me that there’s no room for anyone’s dreams here, anymore. You’re swallowing glass while thinking about it, and I don’t know what did it to you,kid,but something must have broken your heart. I hope you still learn to love with what’s left of it. You’re going to meet names that burn your throat and you’re going to forget your own more often than you don’t. Here’s to all the pain of existence. Here’s to all the miracle of it. Here’s to every battle inside of you. Here’s to all the peace.

Y.Z, for the kids back home (via rustyvoices)

But whatever
Whenever this ends I want you to know
That right now
I love you forever

Andrea Gibson, “How It Ends” (via raysoleil)

Prayer for Strength

I pray for inner peace. Please God grant me that peace that you and I both know I need. Whatever is meant to happen, not just with what I’m referring to but with Every aspect of my life, please give me strength to push through it now and do what is best and needed for myself to save me from anymore detrimental stress or heartbreak or health issues, or failures. If I need to move on to more, new chapters, please allow me to do so gracefully. I know I won’t make it through without any battle wounds because that is part of the journey and pain is part of life, but I pray to at least make it through. Please, God. I’m sorry about my draining faith; I know it’s still deep inside me. I just need to find it again and rebuild it as I work on rebuilding my life as I lose motivation, lose people I love including friends I thought would always be there who just take/took advantage of me, lose my sense of self. So God please grant me peace. Grant me acceptance. Grant me strength.

..Amen… And I’m sorry.

*Just needed to vent*

Dressed up with nowhere important to go. *sigh*..It’s bedtime for me. Cozy up with a good book, music, &amp; my thoughts&#8230;.

Dressed up with nowhere important to go. *sigh*..It’s bedtime for me. Cozy up with a good book, music, & my thoughts….