Hard to Love„,

So, I remember having a conversation with a co-worker on my birthday Friday. We were talking about relationships & an article on ‘wrong timing’ & feeling ‘not good enough’. I brought up how down I get whenever I recalled how when I (politely) rejected another co-worker’s attempts to take me on a date, he went & told oters I seemed like I’d be hard to deal with anyways. And he added about my seizures..

I told my co-worker how it makes me wonder if that was really true after-all; if it’d be hard for a guy to accept me knowing my condition, even though it has improved…She looked at me & was like, “Deb, sweetie, you know it’s not the seizures you’re worried about a guy accepting…it’s You; even if you didn’t suffer from epilepsy, you’d still always feel you weren’t good enough.”

I realized how right she was. It’s disheartening that I’m worried more about a guy leaving me for my personality & for being too hard to deal with, rather than worrying about a guy leaving me due to a health condition I have. After failed relationships & failed crushes & “almosts” all failing for the same reason, I come to see maybe I am hard to deal with & hard to love..I try to work on it, but I know I Still have a long way to go. Maybe it’ll be a lifelong project. I just feel no guy will ever be willing to be patient with my emotional side, my flaws, my shyness, my lack of charm..It’s just hard to come to terms with. Most the time, guys like or fall for me at first, but then after getting to know me, it changes. Like, I could put my heart on the line & travel the world for someone, yet I’d feel they still would find a reason to leave…I can’t even keep most of my own friends & family happy it seems, how could I possibly make a guy happy enough to actually stay..I wish I knew how to correctly better myself. 

"He’s not mine," she said. "And I don’t think he ever will be."

"And maybe that’s a good thing because things are never how you imagine and having expectations only ever sets you up for disappointment."

"But I can’t help but wonder what lying in his arms would be like," she told the sky, "I can’t help but imagine being close enough to feel his breath on mine and his skin on my skin."

She closed her eyes and felt the wind run it’s fingers through her hair, and imagined he was beside her.

"He’s going to kill me you know," she whispered to the moon,"he’s going to commit murder and the worst part is he won’t even know it."

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #43 (via blossomfully)

"Sometimes," she thinks, "he speaks like he could love me."

“He smiles and his eyes crinkle and I let myself believe that his fingers have wrapped themselves around more than just my hair.

"Because it is tragic," she says quietly, "to fall in love with beautiful words that have no meaning. And smart girls should know better than to arch their backs for boys whose words touch their spines instead of their hearts."

"He laughs, and I feel each breath like a bullet to the chest.

"Because to him, I am nothing and I am everything.

"And I," she laughs grimly, "I just wish he would make up his damn mind, because I cannot be both and keep my sanity."

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #52 (via blossomfully)

Birthday?

I honestly don’t care about tomorrow. It really is just another day. My 23rd year was just full of blurs in every aspect of my life and 24 doesn’t look too promising either. My plans to celebrate didn’t even go through, which doesn’t surprise me; gonna be alone for my own party pretty much but maybe that is what is best for me. I’m feeling down and am too emotional to even care to celebrate. I just want to sleep through the whole weekend..

She loved him, and she would love him until the day she was too old for loving—but she could not have him. So she tasted the deep pain that is reserved only for the strong, just as she had tasted for a little while the deep happiness.

F. Scott Fitzgerald, Winter Dreams (via fitzgeraldquotes)

Sometimes, I sit alone under the stars
and think of the galaxies inside my
heart, and truly wonder if anyone will
ever want to make sense of all that
I am.

Christopher Poindexter (via failing-words)

Life..

My motivation for life keeps getting slimmer and slimmer. I swear on everything, it seems when things start to pick up, I hit rock bottom again. I can’t even make my own friends and family happy. I feel so alone. I feel like an outcast. I can’t even succeed at work…my health is bad anyways, so it wouldn’t matter much if I weren’t here….
Gonna even cancel my bday party this year. I’m not in the mindset to celebrate life. I’m too overwhelmed. Tired of wondering what I do to upset friends and family so much. I’m such a burden :’( I can’t deal anymore. I swear.