So, I remember having a conversation with a co-worker on my birthday Friday. We were talking about relationships & an article on ‘wrong timing’ & feeling ‘not good enough’. I brought up how down I get whenever I recalled how when I (politely) rejected another co-worker’s attempts to take me on a date, he went & told oters I seemed like I’d be hard to deal with anyways. And he added about my seizures..
I told my co-worker how it makes me wonder if that was really true after-all; if it’d be hard for a guy to accept me knowing my condition, even though it has improved…She looked at me & was like, “Deb, sweetie, you know it’s not the seizures you’re worried about a guy accepting…it’s You; even if you didn’t suffer from epilepsy, you’d still always feel you weren’t good enough.”
I realized how right she was. It’s disheartening that I’m worried more about a guy leaving me for my personality & for being too hard to deal with, rather than worrying about a guy leaving me due to a health condition I have. After failed relationships & failed crushes & “almosts” all failing for the same reason, I come to see maybe I am hard to deal with & hard to love..I try to work on it, but I know I Still have a long way to go. Maybe it’ll be a lifelong project. I just feel no guy will ever be willing to be patient with my emotional side, my flaws, my shyness, my lack of charm..It’s just hard to come to terms with. Most the time, guys like or fall for me at first, but then after getting to know me, it changes. Like, I could put my heart on the line & travel the world for someone, yet I’d feel they still would find a reason to leave…I can’t even keep most of my own friends & family happy it seems, how could I possibly make a guy happy enough to actually stay..I wish I knew how to correctly better myself.